Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize