he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
