Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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