What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
