your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
