Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
