OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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