he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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