Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
