Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
