I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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