upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
