I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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