last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
