Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
