Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
