help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
