I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
