Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize