Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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