you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
