Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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