Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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