I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm too high and old for this...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
