You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize