Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
