Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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