Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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