WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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