He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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