I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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