You smell like stripper and shame
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
