no, he came in my armpit
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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