those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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