My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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