I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Boobs are out for the taking
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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