The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
