I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
