i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
