Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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