I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
