Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
