Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
