Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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