I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
