WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
