you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
