I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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