I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
