Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
