do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
