:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
