college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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