She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
try to milk me bitch
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