Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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