Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
