Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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