Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
