She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
