I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
