I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
