he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
