I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
