he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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