Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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