Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
