if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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