i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
