i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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