I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
