I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
